3 Things You Should Never Say to Singles in Your Church

It's a tale as old as time that well meaning people at your church, your friends, your parents or even your pastor have probably said this at some point: “You’ll find the right one when you stop trying.” 

**Let’s all cringe together for a moment 😬**

Every person who has ever been single has probably heard this advice more times than they care to remember. And sure, it might be true for some people, but to most it feels unhelpful and frustrating. Saying “stop trying to meet someone and you’ll meet someone” feels counterintuitive in a world that has moved into the fast paced world of online dating. This doesn’t exclude Christians!

If this is you, you might be thinking…if you don’t swipe on some sort of dating app, you don’t get matches and if you don’t get matches, you probably won’t get dates! Yikes. It’s clear dating circumstances and mindsets held by previous generations have shifted and the times have changed!

So it’s about time we update some of the familiar dating advice for Christians, too.

😵“You’ll find the right one when you desire the Lord first.” 

This one is likely taken from a familiar scripture given to the crowds in the sermon on the mount, “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33). Believe it or not, this is not really talking about dating.

This scripture in context is talking about the material troubles of this world and encouraging us to not worry about what we eat, drink or wear because God knows our needs. It's saying the greater thing to do instead of worrying is to focus on today and to trust God to provide above all else.

The scripture goes on to say in Matthew 6:34, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” So yes, as followers of Jesus we should absolutely always seek the Lord’s kingdom first and trust him to provide for us. But how can we look at this in a way that actually helps us with dating in particular? 

The Greek word for anxiety found in this passage of scripture is merimnaó, which is "an old verb for worry and anxiety – literally, to be divided, distracted."

So what we should take away from this well meaning advice is not “give up on dating until you’re perfect.” What it’s really trying to say is don’t worry about meeting your spouse. Because worry indicates anxiety, and anxiety is tied to fear. Fear is not of God. Therefore it’s divisive, misleading, distracting and moves us away from the truth. And the truth is that it’s God's will to give us all good gifts, including the desire to share life with a spouse. 

So when it comes to dating advice here’s something that might be a little more applicable…

✅ Seek to give God your fears about relationships and anxieties about meeting someone through a direct relationship with Him. Trust him and know him as your provider and be sure that you’re in a strong community of believers who can help give you encouragement as the Lord directs your steps in dating. 

😵“Follow your heart!” 

Where do we find this one in scripture?! 

This is something all singles hear regardless of their beliefs and it basically means the “intrinsic” leading that you get from your heart will “guide” you to the right person.

But this is confusing for Christians who have come to know that the heart of man is deceptive and wicked (Jeremiah 17:9-10) and “that which proceeds out of the man, that is what defiles the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness” (Mark 7:20-23) 😱. 

The bible doesn’t tell us to follow our hearts but it does tell us what the markers of love are. So what is the definition of eternal love we should use as a guide instead? We hear it quoted all the time but 1 Corinthians 13 (love is patient, love is kind) is a pillar that we can trust to understand what love is, rather than what our own hearts tell us. 
✅ Follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit and wise counsel. The Holy Spirit is our incorruptible teacher who leads us into all truth!

😵“You’ll just know when someone is right for you.”

This feels like another rendition of “follow your heart” and it's also just not true for everybody. For some, no magical gut feeling comes bringing instant clarity, that says “marry Him / Her!” 

Especially if you have any wounding from past relationships, romantic or not, this piece of advice can be hard to trust if we rely on our own emotions and feelings. Oftentimes, at different points in our life, we can have different definitions of who is right for us. Other times, people meet their spouse at a young age and it works. 

There’s really no way to put a box around this because it’s different for everybody and the Holy Spirit works in mysterious ways. Sometimes He does let people know who they will marry. And sometimes he doesn’t. But He certainly leads all of us into all truth (John 16:13). 

I don’t think we should get into the whole soulmate debate, but one thing we should know is that becoming who we are “supposed to be” is a work in progress. We’re all on a journey with the Lord our entire lives and if we meet someone we are attracted to who is compatible with our lives and is equally as committed to walking their own faith journey before the Lord individually and together as a couple - I’d say that’s a good thing.

“Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Phiippians 1:6) 

✅ If you haven’t met “the one” yet, or even if you’re already dating, make it a priority and commitment in your life to work out your faith walk and sanctification process with God first and foremost. 

There’s a lot of dating advice for Christians out there. Some of it is great, and some, not so much. But as Christians, we’re blessed to have the ultimate source of truth when dating advice just isn’t cutting it. 

So with that said, here’s a beautiful scripture to meditate on.

Philippians 4:6-7

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.…”

When we stand firm in the Lord and give him all of our anxieties, petitions for a spouse, and relationship hopes and dreams, we can be sure he will give us peace in return, which serves as a guard for our hearts and minds. 

Amen! 

Consider connecting singles at your church with a healthy way to meet others & help to become a Godly, healthy single themself. 

Is your church looking for a new way for singles in your area to meet one another? Have you considered  connecting singles in your church to a Christian Dating coach?

(psst..what’s a Christian Dating Coach!? It’s someone who will walk alongside others to help them become healthy, Godly singles and gives practical dating advice so they can date with confidence during their dating journey!) 

Check out IYKYK Christian Dating Mixers on Instagram. We partner with local churches to host singles mixers and I run a Christian Dating Coaching practice!